Relationship advice from The Wire
A cautionary tale on what can happen if you don’t fight fair
The Wire is the greatest television show in history. If you haven’t seen it, drop everything and watch it. I’ve been fighting a decade-long battle to get my wife to watch the show, and one decade in, we are in the back half of Season 3. I watch along with this great podcast “Way Down in the Hole” that discusses a lot of the ideas that I’m about to flesh out below, so all credit to them.
Anyways, upon re-watching, I came upon a scene that summarized exactly why fights happen. Spoiler alert(!) for any of you haven’t seen The Wire.
In Season 3, Episode 8, Stringer Bell and Avon Barksdale get into a fight. They are the two leaders of a crew selling drugs in Baltimore, and their relationship had been souring over the last year. But, until this point, their relationship always had the ability to be salvaged. After this scene, their relationship was over. It took a few episodes for Stringer to get killed, but their relationship was irredeemable from this moment on.
The context behind this scene is important. Stringer is the one in the suit and Avon is the one in the white tank top. Both men come into this scene with their ego bruised.
Stringer - His identity is deeply tied to his mind. He believes he is smart enough to succeed in business and the drug game just happen to be the vehicle that he initially drove. He’s trying to “upgrade” to a new car by switching to more traditional forms of business. He’s arriving at this scene after State Senator Clay Davis bilks him out of additional cash in a demeaning and patronizing manner. Stringer is finding it harder to succeed than he anticipated in an unfamiliar world. He’s arriving insecure in his identity as a smart man, and he brings that negative baggage into the room when he arrives.
Avon - His identity is deeply tied to his knowledge of how to play ‘the game’. How to run the streets. He believes he knows these streets and how to run a successful drug-dealing crew. He’s returning from a stint in jail and trying to reclaim his position amongst rival crews. He’s in this scene after getting shot while trying to go after a rival crew in a situation where he clearly misplayed his cards and underestimated his opponent, Marlo Stanfield. He’s finding it harder than he imagined to win and his ego is bruised. He’s insecure in his identity as a drug kingpin, and he carries that negative energy into his conversation with Stringer.
If either of them had been self-aware enough to realize the position they were in mentally, they might not have chosen to start any verbal sparring.
Lesson 1: Don’t start a fight when your identity or ego is wounded.
Stringer: “War man?! We passed this bullshit!”
Stringer immediately starts by prodding Avon. He knows Avon’s been shot, but Stringer doesn’t address that first. He first says something that he knows will antagonize Avon by calling into question his thirst for dealing with conflict through violence.
Avon: “Yeah, I forgot…I knew I forgot something…we the Trump brothers!”
Avon immediately responds sarcastically. He has a chance to de-escalate, but because of his own negative energy, he chooses to engage fully in the verbal sparring with Stringer. And once he gets going, he quickly goes below the belt and knowingly attacks Stringer where he knows Stringer is most vulnerable and insecure. Avon continues:
“Know what the difference is between me and you? I bleed red. You bleed green
…What you been building for us, huh? I look at you these days, you know what I see? I see a man without a country. Not hard enough for this right here. And maybe…just maybe…not smart enough for them out there.”
Avon knows that Stringer is trying to prove his intelligence and make it in the business world and he knows it’s not going particularly well. Instead of being supportive of a friend, he pours some salt in the wound. He wouldn’t do this normally – in fact, many other times, he’s dismissive of Stringer’s business dealings but never dismissive of Stringer’s ability. This time, since his own ego is bruised and Stringer attacked him on that particular vulnerability, he decides to fight fire with fire.
Lesson 2: When you start a fight, you need to “fight fair”. When your identity is wounded, you are much more likely to go below the belt.
Stringer: “Not hard enough?!?”
Avon: “No offense. I don’t think you ever really were.”
…
Stringer: “Because I don’t shoot up a block indiscriminate, I ain’t hard enough?! Because I think before I snatch a life?!?!”
Avon: “Ha…what life you snatch, huh?”
Stringer: [talking about killing DeAngelo] “Knew you couldn’t do it….Breonna wouldn’t do that shit…there go a life that had to be snatched, Avon.”
Some might argue Stringer having Avon’s nephew, DeAngelo, killed was the act that was the ultimate downfall of his relationship with Avon. I disagree. Avon is a cold-blooded gangster. Yes, he had a love for family, but ultimately, he might have been convinced that DeAngelo’s death was necessary for the survival of the crew. We know that he had even considered killing DeAngelo earlier. If Stringer and Avon had this discussion openly in another setting, there’s a chance (may not have been a good chance, but a chance) that Stringer would have been able to convince him.
It’s the equivalent of cheating in a relationship. Yes, the chances probably aren’t good that the relationship is salvageable after one member has cheated. But the chances go straight to zero if the way the partner finds out is in the midst of a fight when you say, “Because you’re such an X, I had to cheat on you!” I promise that the relationship is doomed from that point on.
Lesson 3: If, at any point, you recognize the fight has gone below the belt, STOP. Continuing can be disastrous and can lead to saying things that are irreparable.
Stringer: “I took that shit off you…put it on me man…that motherfucker was out of pocket with that shit…20 years above his fuckin head….if he flip, they got you, me and fucking Breonna…no way man…hell no…”
Avon: “let me up….let me up!”
The two of them brawl and Stringer tackles Avon with his bum shoulder. At this point, it seems Stringer realizes he may have gone too far…he tries to explain why he had to kill DeAngelo. Again, the logic might have worked in a different setting. A different context. But, it’s too late. Avon’s been hurt too deeply. His trust in Stringer is broken in a way that can never be repaired.
My mom loves the saying: Words and eggs should be handled with care. Because words once spoken, and eggs once broken, are the hardest to repair. This is a perfect example…no words can save Stringer now from the words already spoken.
Lesson 4: Once you go too far, there’s no coming back.
Overall lesson: The key to fighting in relationships is recognizing when you’re not ready to fight fair.
If either Stringer or Avon had been self-aware enough to reflect on their bruised ego at an earlier point in this fight, it might have gone very differently.
Stringer might have started with, “How you doing, killer?”
Or Avon might have responded with, “Man, let’s forget that shit for now. Ain’t nothing. What’s up with you? You taking care of business?”
Or Stringer might have said, “Not hard enough?! You know that ain’t true Avon…let’s get a drink.”
At any point, if they had recognized that they weren’t prepared to fight fair, they might have decided now wasn’t the time to fight.
Instead, it led to the end of their friendship and an end to Stringer’s life.
Keep your relationships alive. Don’t start a fight if you don’t think you are in a place to fight fair. Or, if you do start, stop the fight whenever you realize you’re not fighting fair.