Facing my fears

I could feel the fear. A rumbling in my stomach. And no, not the rumbling that means I have to sit on the potty. Don't get me wrong, I am excited. This is something I want to do. My cousins have done it and love it. It sounds like a ton of fun. 

But I know what Daddy likes. I know he likes the 'daredevil' type, the one that pushes the boundaries, the one who desperately wants to win. I know how hard that is for me sometimes. How my fear can get the best of me at times. And the look I can see on Daddy's face when I know it's happening. That disappointed look. I know he tries to hide it, and he does a good job covering it up quickly, but I can still see it. Not just in the way he looks at me, but the way he looks at kids nearby, doing what he always hoped I would. 

No point fretting anymore...it's happening. My dad and I are going sledding. 

We look down a hill that honestly looks like it's going to really hurt if I crash. It's 10x bigger than any slide I've even seen, much less gone on. Daddy asks if I want to go on this hill, but it's like he knows what I'm thinking. He tells me there's a low hill and a medium hill before this big hill if we want to practice there. Phew. Let's start low. I'll work my way up to this. I guess...

Breathe. "Don't push me hard. Medium!" I don't want to sound too scared, and I'm hoping saying 'Medium' is enough to mask the fear in my voice. Whoooooo....oh my god....wow, this is awesome. The wind blowing. It's amazing. "Again!!!!"

Slowly but surely, I start to push my boundaries. With each push down, I go down farther and farther, and I can feel the fear being replaced by more and more joy with each push. Daddy's been great so far, supportive and a ton of fun. I don't feel pushed beyond my comfort zone. I actually feel ready for more. Yes, with each push, as I go past the spot I ended the previous push, I feel my stomach curdle as I wonder if this is the push where I don't eventually slow down and stop. But I quickly recover the joy as I feel myself slowing down. This is actually a fun type of fear. I can't believe it. I'm really doing it! I'm going to make Daddy's day.

"Daddy, let's do the big hill!" 

"You sure lovey? We can keep having fun here!" His words are reassuring, but I see the excitement in his eyes.

"Yes - let's do the big hill!!!"

What have I done? What was I thinking? That little hill wasn't any preparation for this monstrous hill! 

"Daddy - where's the medium hill?" That's when he tells me there is no medium hill. The low hill was the medium hill, too. 

I can't let him down now. We're doing this. 

I close my eyes and try to shut down the fear. Remember the joy of just a couple minutes ago. The feeling of pure fun. But the fear of losing control is gripping. I hold on to the sled, tighter than I've held onto anything. Daddy ensures he'll give me a slow push. He tries to get me excited with a countdown to blastoff. I grip tighter with each number. 

AHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!!! AHHHH!!!! I'm going too fast for this to ever end safely!!!! I can't believe I ever agreed to do this!!!! I don't know if it's been 2 seconds or 2 minutes, but I feel a familiar feeling...my speed slows down to that of the low hill. I'm slowing down. I'm slowing down! I'm going to survive!! I come to a stop and yell at the top of my lungs. I can see my dad's smile from the top of the hill as he gets on his sled to join me at the bottom. The feeling of satisfaction right now is hard to top. "AGAIN!!!!!"

10 times, and this monstrous hill has turned into the low hill for me. I still have some fear when I'm going fast, but my feelings of pure thrill and joy grow with each push. My dad is so happy and excited he's carrying me back up the hill every time, and I can see it's tiring him out. But I know I've made him proud. 

I turn and see a young boy with his mommy. I hear the mommy say Daddy's favorite words to the son, "Let's race!" 

The son is too scared to go far and stops himself almost immediately after starting, closer to the top of the hill than the bottom. The mommy passes him, cruising to the bottom of the hill. I see a chance to do something that my Dad would never imagine I was capable of. I ask Daddy for a big push and line myself up. 

WOWWWW....FASTER THAN EVER BEFORE....I'm cruising to the bottom of the hill and am not even close to slowing down. In fact, I feel like I'm getting faster. I go by the mommy and she has a look of panic on her face. Have I done too much?! She's yelling and running after me! I'm so far I can't even see my dad at the top of the hill. 

I come to a stop a few feet from the edge of the woods and just catch my breath. I see Daddy flying down the hill on his sled, coming to a stop 10 feet from me. Even he has to walk up to me...I can see the look of worry on his face as he says "Are you OK love?!?!"

I look at him with the biggest grin, "Did I win?!?!"